Donald Trump is Scary

Donald Trump is Scary

Donald Trump Could Actually Wreck the Planet


No matter who you are, writing about Donald Trump can be a head-trip. Walking the line between hyperbole (“He’s gonna kill us all!”) and foolhardy optimism (“Meh, I’m sure it’s gonna be fine.”) is tricky, at best, and pretty fucking impossible at worst. Casting aside unhelpful comparisons, like Hitler (there, I said it), we can’t know what to expect because this sort of thing has never really happened before. Just to recap, a reality TV star with a penchant for aggressive impulses, racist throwaways and pussy grabbing (very much not my words) is going to be the leader of the free world. To judge what sort of president he will be, all we have to go off is what he’s said in the past which, even then, doesn’t give us a great deal of insight, seeing as this is a man who has taken every position under the sun when it comes to abortion, just as an example of his fickleness. But, as Grandma used to say, “You often have to eat the shit to get to the berries.” I never fully understood what she meant until now, when we’re knee-deep in it and trying desperately to salvage something of substance from this maelstrom of bullshit. With that said, based purely on his own pledges and assertions, here are some of the ways Trump could actually bring about the planet’s… well, if not destruction, then extreme discomfort, ordered from least to most likely.


Fracture Australia’s Alliance with The United States

To give this more context, Trump sucks at puzzles. Can’t do ’em, his hands are too small. (Uncredited)

Ok, this is a bit of a stretch but I definitely think it’s crucial to acknowledge the potential role that we could have in all of this, however unlikely it may be. Since Trump was elected, a good portion of the Australian public and many of our politicians (granted, some of them retired) have expressed disinterest in being allied with a country run by a sentient, yarn-spun cocksplat. Former Prime Minister Paul Keating, in the days following Trump’s win, said it was time to “cut the tag” with the U.S. when it comes to our foreign policy dealings. Meanwhile Pauline Hanson, our nation’s answer to “What if Trump got spilled and hastily scooped into a plastic bag?”, actually had to go on record saying, “I swear to God I don’t have a crush on Donald Trump”, while onlookers continued singing, “Trump and Pauline sitting in a tree.” Coupled with Trump’s assurances that the U.S. will be pulling out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership before it is even ratified, this could very well be enough to send Australia looking to boost our ties with other nations.

Paul Keating, describing some pretty filthy threats against Trump. (Daniel Munoz)

Keating and Trade Minister Steve Ciobo, in the wake of all this, have both suggested strengthening our alliances with Indonesia or, perhaps, even China as a way of ameliorating the situation. Now, that last part is pretty interesting, seeing as China notably abstained from joining the TPP and might already be feeling ill-inclined towards a Trump presidency, for reasons we’ll get to in a moment. So, to put this in millennial terms, it’s like we’re a guy who’s spent seven years courting a girl (U.S.) and, on the night she was finally going to come over and “hang out”, she was all, “Nah, you’re gross, #sorrynotsorry”, so instead we went and hooked up with her best friend (China) who forgot to go to her birthday party. Kind of. Anyway, regardless of what spurred it on, that sort of turnaround isn’t going to be clean. It might not mean global annihilation but, then again, the Cold War almost went hot because of a solar flare in the ‘60s so, I guess, you never know.


Cause a Rift with China by Acknowledging Taiwan as Independent

The situation in Taiwan right now, as to whether or not it should be recognised as an independent state or under China’s sovereignty, is mighty complicated. In a poll conducted in 2009 (which, it goes without saying, can’t be entirely trusted) about 64% of Taiwan’s own citizens favoured keeping things as they are, which is to say, under China’s thumb; however, the passions of those both native and abroad who wish to remain separate from the human rights abuses China is often accused of are considerable. Like I said, it’s mighty complicated, so much so that it’s hard to imagine anyone involved over the last decade having the thought, “Fuck, I wish Donald Trump were somehow involved in this discussion.”

Protesters simplifying this clusterfuck for us. I don’t disagree, it’s just a tricky issue. (Elisa Santana/Medill News Service)

Well, great news, because here comes the fabled tangerine arse-goblin anyway, just to keep us on our toes. Whether Taiwan’s President Tsai Ing-wen really did call Trump to offer her congratulations or Trump accidentally dialed the wrong number when trying to reach the one phone sex line that has yet to ban him for having what is referred to as “stank voice”, a conversation did indeed occur. I can’t imagine it was a fun or memorable chat, like Trump and Kanye’s must have been but, in any case, words were exchanged and now here we are. China responded, as it had to, by calling Trump “inexperienced”, which caused half the world to suffer a stroke from over-committing to their sarcastic responses. China then added that, “making trouble for China-U.S. ties is making troubles for [the U.S.] themselves”, the kind of veiled threat that caused the other half of us to shit ourselves on the spot. Look, there’s easily a version of this situation where China’s whole, “Nice pre-nuclear wasteland country you got there… shame if something were to happen to it”, gambit is an empty call. Most likely, it’s just a gesture at how easily China could fuck America’s whole week up if they decided to start boycotting the U.S. auto industry, halting imports and reducing their student exchange program. Either way, that’s a multi-billion dollar trade agreement gone to shit because someone can’t press “ignore” on their phone, which is not exactly conducive to a prosperous future.


Refuse to Honour NATO

Donald Trump, first and foremost, is a swollen, fetid arse pollop. But, beyond that, he is usually perceived as a businessman. I say “perceived as” because he’s actually fucking terrible at it. The “small loan” he keeps saying he was given by his father as a start-up turned out to actually be several loans ultimately worth about $14 million. If you can’t succeed at whatever venture you want to pursue with that kind of money, you might actually have brain damage (whiiiich… I’m just sayin’). He also has companies that have filed for bankruptcy four times and recently settled the many lawsuits that were levied against him by former attendants of his joke of a university for $34 million. All of this to say that, regardless of how much he clearly sucks at it, Trump and his followers think of him as a man who is good at making money. I would counter that, whether or not he can actually do it, he desperately wants people to think he can. This is, to put it lightly, not an ideal stance for the President of the United States to take.

An artist’s rendering of a Trump wet dream. (Carl Banks)

This would be true even when it comes to trade negotiations, where obviously the ideal situation is for each country to ensure the outcome most beneficial for them economically; even so, remaining open to compromise and being willing to let less important factors go are necessary tactics in these endeavours. So, to start with, I think Trump’s gonna do a really bad job at that, but then there’s everything he’s said about NATO, which is perhaps some of the most terrifying and impactful shit to dribble down the bottom of his withered human mask all year. What it basically amounts to is that Trump believes the countries that are under the U.S.’s nominal protection should be required to pay for the privilege of having the United States back them in the event that they are invaded.

Now, let me be really fucking clear at this juncture: without the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, World War III is scarily probable. The whole point of the formation of NATO in 1949 was to engage America, Canada and their European allies in an implicit agreement to defend all nations involved from invasions committed by the Soviet Union. Even though the Union has obviously disbanded, at this point NATO still stands because, you know, Putin’s kind of a dick. Now, the “implicit” part of this initiative is the most important because there’s no law-binding addendum that keeps the participatory nations involved. The whole thing functions on the notional agreement that, for example, were any of the Baltic states (Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania) to be threatened by Russia, the U.S. military would intervene. If either Trump decides he won’t do that or Putin genuinely believes he won’t, then that’s a problem. It’s like agreeing to an open relationship with your partner when one of you is secretly really uncomfortable with it: one side is eventually gonna make a move to fuck someone else, and then the other person (and their friends) have to decide how to respond. My money’s on it going badly.

Image result for mushroom cloud gif
Like, reaaaaally badly. (Uncredited)

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